Dearest Comcast,

When I started writing this open letter, I wasn’t sure how to begin.  I mean, you’ve shown me exactly how little you value me as a customer through your various actions (and non-actions) – which have included everything from hanging up on me, to mailing me crap I didn’t want, and not showing up for appointments.  All of these things have made it clear that you don’t give a rat’s behind, so I’m probably wasting my time here.

But I have to begin somehow, right?  So let’s start this off with a quote, shall we?

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.”                 – George W. Bush

Yeah, nevermind.  That doesn’t make sense now, nor did it ever.  Let me start over.  I’m writing you today to let you know how much you suck.  Let’s start at the beginning.

An Open Letter to Comcast

A couple of years ago, I signed up for Comcast internet service for the first time.  And, even though I had heard nothing but horror stories about your service and products, I had high hopes.  Of course, those hopes were dashed after your installer showed up and left without actually installing our internet.  Still, I tried to be patient, even after you sent me a bill for $16 for three consecutive months after I cancelled the service that I never really had.  And even after I was hung up on multiples times, and received a collection letter for that $16, I let it roll off my back and moved on.

Fast forward to 2014.  We moved to Noblesville, Indiana, and I decided to give you another shot.  But that was only because you offered free cable television, including HBO, for 12 months if I signed up for Comcast high speed internet for $39 per month.  So I signed up for the self-installation package through your website and waited for the equipment to arrive.  And when it did, I immediately got started on the self-install.  That was, of course, until it wouldn’t work.

Comcast Customer Service at Work

After spending over four hours on the phone with you that night, we determined that you had somehow neglected to register my equipment – the equipment that you sent to me.  Then you said something shocking: You said I needed to drive the equipment to Anderson, Indiana to drop it off.

“Ummmm…yeah.  There’s no chance in hell I’m going to do that,” I said to “Patrick” in India.

“Sorry, there’ nothing we can do,” said “Patrick” in India.

I called back the next day and spent another three hours talking to various Comcast reps who could not, or would not, help me.  And then we had a breakthrough.  Someone was finally able to register my equipment over the phone and it started working.  Finally.

Comcast Billing at Work

Then, when I got my first bill, I noticed that I had been charged an additional $9.99 per month for HD, which I do not have, and $5.99 for something else that no one could explain.  I tried to remain patient as I spent another 4 hours talking to various people on the phone, and I tried not to get angry when I was hung up on multiple times and randomly transferred to different departments just for fun.  Amazingly,  some genius at your company finally found a way to credit those charges, but only after I made three additional phone calls that week.  Good job! 

Then this happened:


I arrived home to find a giant Comcast box on my front porch.  So I called to see what in the world it might be.  A bomb, maybe?  The funny thing was, you actually had no idea what was in the box.  In fact, you asked me to open it and tell you what was in the box.  So I did.

Here’s how that conversation went:

Me: “Ummmm……it looks like two modems in separate boxes.”

Comcast person: “Hmmm…..that’s weird.  We have no record of that.  We’re going to need you to drive that box to the nearest Comcast location and drop it off.”

Me: “Yeah, there is no chance in hell that I am going to drive that box anywhere.”

Comcast: “Well, I’m taking note of this right now.  I can send you a return sticker and you can mail it back, but you’ll be charged for it if we don’t get it back in time for your next billing cycle.”

Me: “Charged for what?  For two modems that I didn’t ask for?  Good luck prying that money out of my cold, dead hands!  Is someone playing a joke on me?  Am I on Boiling Points?”

<insert angry maniacal laughter here>

I was finally done being patient and nice.  Your unbelievable incompetence as a company was one thing, but threatening to charge me for two extra modem rentals had somehow crossed the line.  But since we were leaving for Jamaica the next day, I let it go.

Unfortunately, I arrived home to two tiny Comcast return boxes on my front porch.  I tried not to cry when I realized the boxes weren’t actually big enough to return the modems you mailed me.  In fact, I improvised.  I took the return stickers off of them and just stuck them on the giant box you mailed me in the first place.  Problem solved.

My Internet Sucks

I started having problems with my internet a few weeks ago, so I was forced to call Comcast for help.  After doing a few scans over the phone, they confirmed the problem and scheduled a tech to come out this morning from 8:00 – 9:00 a.m.

Of course, nobody showed up, so I immediately called your Customer Service Line.  I also tweeted your Twitter account, which is ironically called @comcastcares.  

I’ll give you a minute to let that sink in.

My pleads to your Twitter handle went ignored, but the customer service rep assured me that someone would call by 10:00 a.m.  Unfortunately, nobody ever bothered to call to reschedule.  No one called to apologize either.  And no, no one bothered to see if my internet is working well or at all.

I used to think that your company was just disorganized.  Maybe you were too big to function well, or tried to take on too much.  But now I know the truth.  You don’t care about your customers, or even if you do a good job. 

I will never, ever subject myself to your awful company again.  In fact, I wouldn’t even sign up for Comcast if it were free, or even if you paid me.  What you offer is simply not worth it.  Not today.  Not ever.

Comcast, you are the worst company in the history of planet Earth.  I would rather swim in molten lava, watch 87 episodes of Caillou, or eat my own dog than pay for your services ever again.


“There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.”    


In the context of your unimaginable incompetence, this quote now makes a lot more sense.

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