Let me introduce you to our family pet, my ten-year-old dachshund, Pablo. I want to preface this by saying that I love the little guy. He has been my pet for ten years now…through ups and downs…through thick and thin. He has moved with me through several relationships and living situations until I finally met and married Greg. Through everything, Pablo has always been by my side.
Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure I know of another place he would rather be. Why? Because he loves my mom more than he loves me. He always has, and he always will…and I’m 100% sure that he would jet if he ever had the opportunity. I’ve made my peace with it. Still, it doesn’t seem fair since I’m the one that buys his food and pays his vet bills. Yet, that isn’t what this story is about. I’m writing to let everyone know that I think my dog may secretly be some sort of evil genius!
Pablo: The Genius
You see, Pablo has fashioned a lifestyle that requires him to do absolutely nothing. He has been living here rent free and chore free for ten years now, and I’m pretty sure he prides himself in his lack of contribution. Let me explain.
A regular day starts with Pablo getting up at about 8:00 a.m. He walks to the door and cries until I let him out. Once he finishes his business, he comes in and continues his life of leisure. As we shower and get ready for work, Pablo naps off and on. He will occasionally get up for a drink of water. Sometimes, he will walk into the room long enough to shoot an indifferent stare. We get the kids ready for daycare, and we leave Pablo alone for the day.
I’m not really sure what he does from 9-5, but when we get home he acts completely exhausted. As I make dinner, he usually steals the kids snacks and makes them cry. He occasionally gets scolded for this, but he has decided that any punishment he receives is worth it.
As the evening progresses, we give the kids baths. Pablo watches. I do a few loads of laundry. Pablo snoozes on the couch. I empty the dishwasher. Pablo chews on his ass for a half hour. Then at some point in the evening, Pablo decides that he’s had enough and goes to bed.
We used to be able to count on him to lick up our crumbs from the floor at least. However, over the past few years he has gone almost blind, so he can’t even see half of them anymore. I’m sure you are saying, “Poor Pablo.” I would have agreed with you, that is until I saw this…
His Selfish Ways
Earlier this year, we had to put Pablo’s best friend Hammie to sleep because of his health problems. I thought that Pablo would surely be devastated – unable to eat, think, or sleep. However, we quickly found out that Hammie’s death made Pablo happier than he’s ever been. He quickly found out that he no longer has to compete for food or share attention. His best friend had died and he did nothing except see opportunities.
I sit in awe of him, wondering how he does it. I’m trying my best to get the most out of life with the least amount of effort. So far, I’ve failed miserably in my attempt to emulate this true master of the dole. I often wish that I could change places with him and just say “F&$K IT” and go back to bed. I wonder what it would be like to never have to worry about responsibilities, work, or bills. Yes, Pablo is living the life…..living out his golden years in a dream scenario of rest and relaxation. I keep reminding myself that someday, I will be able to do that too.