Over the last few weeks, I have noticed something that is totally baffling to me. I’ve heard and read about multiple married couples who keep their finances separate. Call me weird, but I just don’t understand the logic of this. Call me old-fashioned, but I think marriage should be a partnership. Call me crazy, but I think separating your finances is a bad idea. Here is why.
The Benefits of Marriage
I know, I’m a regular Don Juan, but one of the best parts about getting married was combining our incomes. Romantic right? Of course, I love my wife and she loves me…most of the time. Still one of the best byproducts of that love is that our income instantly increased. I hadn’t really thought about it before we got married, but it was awesome to have two paychecks to pay the bills. No longer was I solely responsible for paying for all of my grocery bills, utilities, rent payments, etc. We had two paychecks, and I felt freakin’ rich!
I have to admit, before we got married the thought of keeping our finances separate didn’t even cross my mind. It didn’t make sense to me, and it still doesn’t. Everything we make is ours, just like everything we have is ours. It’s not like I’m the only person in the house that uses the lights. I didn’t get to bask in the heat of our home while Holly struggled to stay warm under a blanket last winter. We both use everything in the house. It just seems ludicrous that we would pay for those things separately from our different paychecks.
Reasons Married Couples Keep Their Finances Separate
Still, I’ve noticed that keeping finances separate seems to be a trendy thing to do these days. I can understand why retired widow and widowers who remarry may decide to keep things separate. Afterall, these people are bringing a lifetime worth of savings to the marriage - a savings that they accumulated with another person. There are often times adult children involved, and it is simpler to keep their finances separate so that each individual’s children receives their “proper” inheritance. OK, I’ll buy that. However, there are plenty of reasons that I won’t buy.
1) My spouse/fiance has a lot of premarital debt.
So, your future spouse racked up a lot of premarital debt? Maybe they went on wild spending sprees with their credit cards. Perhaps they financed their medical schooling using student loans. Whatever the case, they are bringing a lot of financial baggage to the marriage.
If this is the case and you find it so troublesome that you would prefer to keep separate finances, you should probably be reconsidering marriage in the first place. Before getting married, you should be trying to clean that debt up. In the case of a student loan, the education will be benefitting both of you financially, so why would only one of you pay the bill anyway?
Furthermore - in almost every state - when you become married, you are now a legal partnership. Your debts are her debts and vice versa. Just because you keep your finances separate doesn’t mean that creditors won’t come after your money as well. You are now a legal partnership as well as an emotional one, so you may as well act like one. Instead of separating your finances, why not team up and knock that debt out together? You now have double the ammo to mow down your biggest of financial enemy, so take advantage of it before it becomes a problem for you both.
2) What happens if the marriage fails?
Several – if not most – of the married couples I know who keep separate finances have at least one member of the partnership who has been through a divorce. I can understand that they may have gone through some traumatic and financially difficult times during that period. However, nothing says “We are in this for the long haul” less than having a financial backup plan in case things don’t work out. Essentially, you are saying to each other is “I mostly trust you, but not with my money.” With this sort of attitude, how could you possibly fail??? *sarcasm drip, drip* If you are this gun-shy about combining your finances, you probably aren’t ready to get married again anyway. Why not just live together and skip the vows? You’ll be better off in the long run.
3) We don’t want to fight about money.
Personally, I think people who use this excuse are probably fooling themselves. They think that if they keep their finances separate and don’t communicate about money, then they won’t have to fight about it. The problem is, what happens when one partner needs to borrow cash from the other in order to pay the cable bill? Is there an IOU system put in place? It seems like this sort of arrangement is bound to cause one partner to be resentful of another, which usually means a big ‘ol fight.
In my experience, the exact opposite of this excuse has been true. A marriage team is not unlike most sports teams. When the team is put before the self, the team prospers. When the team communicates with one another, the team wins. So too does the marriage team. When both partners are communicating about their shared finances, then the team becomes stronger – both financially and emotionally. When the team fails to communicate, the team becomes weaker. Whether you like it or not, when you are married your money is the team’s money. The faster you get on board with your teammate, the better it will be for all facets of your life.
The Real Reason Married Couples Don’t Combine Finances
Let me jump even higher onto my soapbox to spell the rest of this out for you. In most cases, I believe the real reason that married couples separate their finances is because they don’t want to grow up. They don’t want to tell themselves “no” to anything – and they don’t want anybody else to tell them no either. They have no intention of being accountable to anybody for their bad spending habits, including their spouse.
With separate finances, it is easy for them to buy anything and everything they want without any consequences. Why? Because they can simply say, “It’s my money. I can do what I want.” If they had to be accountable to one another, they may actually have to change their habits to benefit the team. They may have to stop selfishly spending on new shoes, purses, and clothing so that the family (team) could reach their common goal. They may not be able to buy the newest gadget, go to the big game, or go on that hunting trip because it didn’t benefit the family. For this reason, most of the married couples I know who keep separate finances are also some of the biggest overspenders I know.
Of course, I’m not suggesting that people in a relationship should never be able to do or buy what they want. Neither am I suggesting that having a small “slush” fund is detrimental. I am speaking explicitly about those who keep completely separate bank accounts. My point is that marriage is a partnership in every way. Why should finances be any different?
No matter the source, financial problems in a marriage are one of the top causes of divorce in America. While I’m certainly not a marriage counselor, I believe that being on the same page about money is absolutely crucial to a healthy marriage. If you are living separate financial lives, I believe you are headed down a fairly dangerous slope. I would strongly encourage you to start talking to your fiance or spouse about how you are handling your money today. You may even consider taking a class - such as Financial Peace University – to learn how to better handle your money together. I wish you luck!
I’m interested to know what you guys think about this issue. Am I wrong? Am I right? Am I painting everybody with too wide of a brush? Let me know what you think in the comments below!
For Holly’s response, check out Combining Finances: Holly’s Perspective.
About Greg
I totally agree with you. You know the old Alaskan saying: there are old pilots, and there are bold pilots. But there are no old, bold pilots. In the same way there are “separate” marriages and there are long marriages, but no separate, long marriages.
We are planning to celebrate our 40th anniversary next month and our secret? You know this thing where the woman always has the last word? Well, not in our house! I do, make no mistake about it!
That usually provokes a reaction… until they learn that last word is always “Yes, dear!”
In all seriousness, we have two joint accounts, which each operates separately. She takes care of the bills and the day to day expenses. (I used to be a CFO for many years, but she just does a better job, what can I say?) The “slush” is my baby (everything left over and the few unusual things like trips, etc.). We both have signing power and online access to each other’s accounts (if I can’t trust you with money, what can I trust you with)? In practice, though, we never use our access unless there’s a frantic phone call when one is at the store. (“Honey, can you please take a quick look and see if I have enough money for this?” “Sure, dear, what’s your password again?” LOL)
Regarding spending, our philosophy is simple: what Honey wants, Honey gets (both ways). We usually spend more on each other than on ourselves. Of course, it helps that we’re ancient, relatively frugal and by now pretty much have whatever we’ve always wanted. But the biggest help of all is that I lucked out and snagged the best woman ever made (no offense, Holly). That just solves a world of problems right there…
Congratulations on your 40 year anniversary!!! That is awesome. I too always get the last word, and I always use the same words as yours:)
As far as spending goes, at this point in our lives, neither one of us want much – luckily. What we do want, like going on trips and whatnot, we usually want do together. Each marriage is different and every couple needs to do what works for them. However, I think that keeping separate lives – in any form – tends to be bad news for a marriage.
I absolutely agree with you about combining finances. Regardless of who has more debt going into the marriage and who has the better/worse financial habits, you have to address it as a team. It’s not easy, but it is one of the most important issues to deal with as a couple.
Teamwork is key! It is difficult, but that is what marriage is. It isn’t all roses and romance all the time. That stuff is for movies. In reality, it can be hard work.
And it IS hard work.
I believe it more of a personal choice. For us we have common finances. Its true that often having common finance makes things easier like managing different accounts, tracking them, etc.
It is certainly a choice. If it works, great. However, I just don’t see it working in almost every instance that I know of.
Couldn’t agree with you more. If a couple can’t work together to manage their finances, I would imagine there will be a lot of other areas they will struggle with as well.
It really is one of the most important parts of a marriage, in my opinion. The way that a couple handles money bleeds into every other area of their life together.
I tend to agree with you here Greg as my wife and I have combined finances, and it does create a ‘greater closeness’ as we grow together in how we manage these finances and life in general. I think that closeness can be missing if a couple decides to go with separate finances….
That being said, I can support separate finances if both couples strongly desire it – it just means they need a high level of communication to stay close in this area of their lives. I also think you would desire some ground rules if you went this route. (like saving for retirement, no credit card debt, etc) Without any rules, then one person in the marriage can destroy another person’s finances without them knowing – which would be a big betrayal in my mind.
That would be a huge betrayal. I’m sure that it has been successful for many couples. However, in the cases that I know of, I do not see that success. Instead, I see them use it as an excuse to spend on whatever their heart desires.
I think it just depends on the person. My parents have joined finances and my husbands parents don’t.. How you were raised has a big influence on how you approach your own marriage. My hubby and I manage our accounts together but we have individual accounts to our names. Works fine because we still act like a team.
Fair enough. I would say that you are the exception to what I have witnessed, and I’m glad it works for you. I expect the reason that it does is because it sounds like you manage your finances as if they weren’t separate.
We are combined all the way – it was just a natural progression of our marriage being a team. How can you be a team if you’ve got separate play books? Not saying it’s asking for trouble, but all the marriages that we know with separate finances have either been separated or divorced at some point… Food for thought anyhow.
You don’t have to say it is asking for trouble, but I’ll do it for you:) In every situation I’ve seen with separate finances, it is either a) a brewing problem b) already a problem or c) a problem that has gone on to cause larger issues like divorce. This is in no way a scientific study, but it is simply what I’ve observed.
Everything of ours is combined, and it honestly works best this way. I think it all depends on the individual person/couple though. However, I don’t see us ever separating our financial lives.
That is cool. It seems that you and the boy have a great relationship going. Just be careful not to take on too much together before you make it official:)
I am living with my partner, we have only been living together 3 months and everything is still separate. I am 60K in student debt, and he only has a small car loan and mortgage payment. I think we are years from combining finances, since it is going to take me a long time to pay off my student loans. I think eventually we will have joint accounts, but I would like to keep some degree of separation so that I don’t feel any sort of guilt if I decide to buy a shirt or pair of pants every few months. Perhaps we will have different spending money accounts, or maybe by then our circumstances will be totally different and who knows what we will do. I do think that combining finances is a good thing, but I don’t necessarily believe that keeping completely separate finances (even for married couples) is a bad thing.
If I were in your shoes, there is no way that I’d be combining finances. In fact, I really wouldn’t do it before engagement. There is too much risk, too much that can happen. However, once you decide to make that leap into marriage, I really don’t see the point of keeping finances separate. It simply doesn’t do any good, and – in fact – I’m much more concerned that it could be a source of unnecessary conflict rather than a solution to it. Thanks for stopping by!
I think you’re on the right track, Greg, but after 16 years in the trenches with families, I think it’s a lot deeper situation than just not wanting to grow up and be accountable. There are some huge psychological factors at work, and sometimes it’s for reasons of “love”, not “immaturity.” It may be misplaced love, but it’s surprising to see what’s going on in people’s heads about money.
Great piece. I enjoy this topic and your addition toward it!
Fair enough. Obviously, I don’t have the insight into your client’s thoughts like you might. However, I while they may give surface reasons like “love” as a reason to keep finances separate, my gut tells me that they are using that as an excuse. In my experience, couples use it as a way to further their denial about what is really happening with their finances. It makes it easier for them to say, “well he’s not saving so why should I?”
Of course, I have zero scientific data to back this up, so what I’m saying could be complete B.S. I’m just going off my own observations.
Thanks for your addition to this conversation:)
Great post! I could not agree more. I agree that the older couple you described at the beginning has the best or most understandable out in the combining of finances once married.
When you get married, you don’t stay as two separate individuals, or roommates or anything like that. You as the two become one. Very similar to the team analogy that you used. When finances are kept separate that can just breed problems.
What do you do if one makes considerably more than the other? Does the “richer” one live like a king and the other like a pauper? Situations like this can easily cause resentment between the two or even cause the couple to keep secrets from each other, which over time could potentially be cancerous.
Having a slush fund as you put it is a great idea, my wife and I do it. But, that is not keeping finances separate as some might argue. As you said, money is a leading cause to divorce in America, and by keeping things wholly separate, you’re just setting yourself up for potential failure.
Thanks again for the post!
“What do you do if one makes considerably more than the other? Does the “richer” one live like a king and the other like a pauper? Situations like this can easily cause resentment between the two or even cause the couple to keep secrets from each other, which over time could potentially be cancerous.”
I couldn’t have said it better. Right on. Thanks for the comment and for stopping by!
I totally agree! Greg makes about 2/3 of our take home pay. Does this mean that I should only enjoy and benefit from 1/3 of our income? Does this mean that he should pay the mortgage and I should just pay a few little bills? Does this mean that I am only making 1/3 contribution to this family? Hell no, it doesn’t. Everything is “ours” and that includes debts, bills, income, and random windfalls of money that come our way.
I’ve been thinking about this kind of thing lately. Although money was handled separately in my previous long term relationship, it did still create major issues. When we weren’t accountable to each other with spending we both ending up overspending. Now that I’m starting a new relationship I’m trying to be very upfront about money from the start. She does have a bunch of money owing on student loans, but if we can get on the same page I’m sure it wouldn’t be a problem.
The key is communication. I would definitely keep separate finances, meaning bank accounts, until we were at the very least engaged. There is just too much stuff that can happen. Separating that would be a nightmare. However, it is super important to get on the same page about money before you decide to marry. I think you are going about it the right way, my friend.
And good luck with the new relationship! I’m not sure you mentioned this on your blog…or maybe I just missed it somehow!
I totally agree with your reasoning of why couples don’t want to combine their finances. At least that’s the reason I kept financial secrets and different accounts when I was married. And now I’m divorced…shocker! Going forward into future relationships I plan to combine finances, money talks, decisions – the whole nine yards. In my experience, it’s a bad idea to have separate finances, or at least not something like a “yours, mine and ours” deal.
Thank you for volunteering to be our real life example Carrie:) I didn’t know that you had been married.
I think you definitely got the point I was trying to make. The idea of “yours, mine, and ours” can definitely be toxic. Unfortunately, I see a lot of couples doing that these days.
I can’t imagine being married and having separate accounts in which the husband or the wife doesn’t know what’s going on. I’m a firm believer in transparency and communication in relationships no matter what aspect of life they involve, thus this will be the path I take if the day ever comes
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I enjoy these types of polarizing financial discussions.
I don’t think you’re right. But I don’t think you’re wrong, either. I simply think your position is biased. Just as all of our opinions about anything are created from our personal biases and filters.
In a client situation where separate finances are a source of conflict- I find the addition of two little words makes a HUGE difference in the discussion. Instead of “my way is right, their way is wrong” – try this – “my way is right FOR ME, their way is wrong FOR ME”.
The point is to understand, but you don’t have to agree.
Of course I’m biased. Its my blog:)
I think the whole “do what is right for you” can be valid. I also see it used as an excuse to not make substantial and relevant change.
I’m not saying that keeping separate finances could never work. I’m sure that their are people out there that are shining examples of it working. However, I have not seen it. In fact, in every example that I’ve seen, I’ve witnessed the opposite effect. Keeping separate finances has either caused problems, is causing problems, or is about to cause problems. So I guess if my observations are a bias, then I’m biased.
I also love these types of polarizing discussions. I think that they are a blast. I appreciate your counter point! Thanks for adding to the discusssion!!!!
These are some GREAT points and I’ve seen this problem a lot with the people I’ve coached over the years. I don’t know how a couple can really function and claim that they’re close if they don’t share the finances. Combining finances forces you to communicate and become a team. It forces you to grow up and sacrifice and be responsible to your family.
Thanks Jason! I couldn’t agree more. It forces you to communicate…if you want to succeed anyway.
I have a different viewpoint to share. I work as a domestic violence counselor at a large non-profit in the Chicago-land area. I have a master’s degree in counseling and I run an Economic Empowerment class for women (budgeting basics, credit basics, etc). In my experience, money in relationships (marriage or otherwise) has a real potential to be used to control others (control being a major element in abusive relationships). The women I work with (who come from a wide range of backgrounds: from high to low socioeconomic status, African-American, Caucasian, Asian, Indo-Pak, etc.) tell me stories about how combining finances led to their being isolated, controlled, and in some cases stuck with no access to the money and no way to leave a toxic relationship! I think in the context of the possibility of abuse occurring, having separate finances could serve as a protective factor against a controlling partner. Not all partners are obviously controlling right away either so keeping separate finances from the beginning could help people who find out years later they are married to a Jeckyl-and-Hyde abusive person.
I guess what I’m emphasizing is that there may be people in the world who NEED to keep their finances separate. Separate finances could help ensure both partners are skilled in money management (instead of one partner handling all money matters which can easily turn into control or exclusion of one partner from money decisions or one partner exiting a relationship clueless about money stuff). Keeping finances separate, especially for domestic violence survivors, often serves as a way to keep some independence which is so important since they’d been so hurt by lack of access to or control of “team” money in the past.
I do like the idea of keeping finances together if possible. I see it as an ideal that I hope many of my DV clients one day reach with a trust-worthy partner. You are right about there being a parallel process between how you treat your finances and how healthy the marriage might be. I wanted to put a little reminder out there that not all people can make that choice to keep their money together; sometimes how money matters are handled is a matter of safety and keeping access to an exit strategy handy.
I guess if nothing else, I tell the ladies I work with to keep at least ONE bank account separate from your partner… just in case
Thanks for the opportunity to add a new perspective.
Hey Eryn! I appreciate your perspective. Also, I think you rock for working in such an noble profession!
In response, I’d say that what I wrote doesn’t really pertain to people in an abusive relationship. The couples I’m talking about are the everyday, normal, loving couples who simply choose to separate their finances for no other reason than because they want to.
Obviously, finances can be used as a weapon and often is in cases of abuse. Clearly, abuse victims are going to have some trust issues when they enter a new relationship. However, in my mind, if they are not ready to combine their finances, they really may not be ready to make another marriage committment. Until they are totally ready, I would think it best to simply live as partners. You can live in the same house and share your lives together. But if you aren’t ready to give your complete trust to another human being, no matter the circumstances, I don’t think you are probably ready to get married.
That was an awesome comment, and I thank you so much for stopping by and adding a different view to this conversation!
my partner (the male) and I have separate accounts, the main income is in my partner’s account and he has full control with that account. We are about to separate and it has a lot to do with money issues. He is a control freak!!
I’m sorry to hear about what you are going through. That must be very difficult.
So do you feel like separate accounts are good because you are splitting, or do you think that had you joined accounts it would have helped you get on the same money page?
I think we should have had one joint account, one business account and maybe a separate account for each of us. My partner decided there should be various accounts where he has full control and an account for myself where he has full control. So when I need money I haveto ok it with him first and believe me it is always a battle to get any. I am sure there are not many relationships that work this way just ours. From the first day we have been together its seems that we have always been two separate people not a couple and I am just realizing what a fool I have been.
Yikes. That doesn’t sound good at all. I would agree that he sounds like a control freak, and he was using those accounts to control you. As you said, when finances are being handled like that, you aren’t really operating as a healthy couple.
On the bright side, you have realized the issue. I’m sure you’ll learn from the experience and won’t make the same mistakes again. Don’t beat yourself up about it though. Everybody makes mistakes, and you’ll get back on your feet and be better for it when all is said and done!
I find combining finances quite simple but I have read many blogs where couples say that they find it very difficult to combine their finances and be open about what debt they have and how much money they have saved.
And you are correct about seniors having their reasons for not combining their debt. My father and his lady friend keep everything separate even though they live together 90% of the year. They even keep separate homes. But they can afford to.
I think remarried seniors are a totally in a totally different ballgame than the rest of us. There is a lot more financial baggage there that they have to deal with when they combine finances. It is easier, and probably safer, to not do it.
On the other hand, for couples who either are married or considering marriage, if they can’t be open about their debt and money, that should be a HUGE red flag. That is a big indicator of problems to come!
Yes, I completely agree with you! I see it all the time – couples with separate finances and it just confuses me! It just makes the most sense to keep them together. That way you have to be on the same page about your finances. It forces you to talk about finances, and where you want to cut back, where you want to be in a year, 3 years, or whatever. You have to be on the same page – it’s so important! Keeping separate finances makes it too easy to hide purchases, bad spending habits, or worse – a large amount of debt. These kind of things eat away at a marriage.
I love how you say people don’t want to grow up. They don’t really want to be a true partner with someone else – because that means answering to someone else. They also want an easy escape plan if things go awry.
Great post!
Thanks Rebecca. Being on the same page financially is one of the most important things in a marriage. If you are not, you are almost destined to fail.
I love how you say being a true partner with someone else means that you have to be accountable to them as well. Right on! It’s not like one person is holding the other down. It is quite the opposite. You should usually be building the other up! In fact, if it is important to Holly to spend money on buying or doing something, most of the time I have no problem with that. Part of it is because we don’t spend much on ourselves throughout the year, but part of it is because I want her to be happy. However, keeping money separate leads to sneakiness, which is not a good thing for building trust.
“If this is the case and you find it so troublesome that you would prefer to keep separate finances, you should probably be reconsidering marriage in the first place.” PREACH IT! If you aren’t ready to “be one” monetarily (because of student loans or anything else) why the heck are you getting married??
I don’t know if the real reason is not wanting to say “no” to yourself. I think there could be a lot of reasons but they boil down to trust. Maybe you don’t want to say “no” to your partner because you think it may damage your relationship. Or maybe you don’t trust your partner to properly communicate with you around purchasing decisions.
I definitely think that trust is also a major issue. Again, though, if you can’t trust your partner, why get married?
As a single-income household, this isn’t really an issue for us. We have one checking account, several savings accounts, and a couple credit cards. All are joint. There’s no feeling of “my money” and “her money”
Just wanted to add that we are in the same boat, more or less. My husband is the only one with a steady paycheck. However, even when we both worked full-time, there was never an issue with sharing everything. Both of our checks went straight to the bank account that we’ve always shared.
That is how our income is too. It is never taken into consideration who has earned the particular income. It all goes into our various accounts where “we” decide what to do with it!
I agree that combining your finances when married is the smartest move in the long run.
We combined ours when we got engaged and haven’t regretted it once. We were able to team up and pay off debt, make financial goals together and spend money on what’s important to us.
I’ve never really understood why people would want to keep their finances separate, but everybody is different and sometimes that might be the best move for them.
We combined our finances when we got engaged as well. In fact, Holly is writing about that for tomorrow. We haven’t regretted it either!
Hope the house is coming along for you:-)
I agree 100%. I feel like if I can’t trust you with my paycheck, there’s no way I’m trusting you with my heart! Jefferson and I trust each other fully, and money is a big part of it.
Absolutely. Although it may be uncomfortable and a bit taboo to talk about, being on the same page about money is a huge part of any marriage. It can really make or break your relationship – pun intended!
My boyfriend and I are cohabitating, but we fully plan to combine finances when we have the legality of a marriage involved. Right now we pay for everything separately, but we do have a joint savings that we put money for trips and household necessities into. Surprisingly, you weren’t that “soapboxy” at all…hit the right balance I think
Thanks LBee! I hope I wasn’t too soapboxy!
In my opinion, you are doing it exactly right. Get your ducks in a row before you get married, and when you take the leap, you then become one team!
We have a hybrid system. Most of our money goes into joint accounts and she does the budget, pays the bills etc. I have a separate account that gets $100/week and whatever business income I generate that I use for paying down my pre-marital debt. That was originally paid from the joint accounts, but my wife hates it when payments don’t come out the same day every month, and some of my debtees aren’t very consistent about what day they take their pound of flesh.
Fair enough. You guys seem to communicate about what is going on though – which is key.
Also, I know it is none of my business, but why wouldn’t your creditors take their payment on a consistent basis? Is that even legal? I mean, people can’t just take money from you whenever the want, right? You have to know when it is coming out of your account.
Creditor. That was the word I couldn’t think of! If I could have gotten Bank of America to make withdraws on a specific day, I could have saved myself a few hundred in over-draft fees when I moved. But they always insisted that their system was set up in a way that they had no control over which day in a 3 day period the money would actually come out.
Wow, that is ridiculous. No wonder they are bleeding money.
A lot has been said here, but my only experience with this is my parents, and my own. My parents were HORRIBLE with money, and most of it stemmed from financial infidelity. They keep seperate accounts and have no idea what the other is doing, besides the bills that each is responsible for. They bring in over $100k a year and lost their house, cars, boat and went bankrupt because they weren’t in it together.
My wife and I have combined from the beginning. We are both working toward the same goals and have barely ever fought about money. Like, ever. I could NEVER imagine seperating accounts, because it’s just so much more difficult, and I think is a detriment to reaching financial independence and building wealth. It reminds me of a fact I heard. Clydsdale (sp?) horses can tow up to 8,000 lbs. individually, but if you pair two together, they can tow over 25,000 lbs. I believe this to be true with marriage and finances as well.
Wow. I love that quote Jacob. I have no idea if it is true, but I love the idea! Maybe that is because I agree with it:)
I completely agree that everything should be combined. I just got married on Saturday and as soon as we get back from our honeymoon everything will be combined. We already discussed our budget and who’s closing what accounts. I personally think I am now one with my hubby and I think we should do everything money related together. Besides it will be especially good for me to get away from being so controlling with my money. Now I have someone else’s input that has to be considered.
Congratulations!
That is so awesome and I totally agree that you are now “one.” It sounds like you are off to a great start….and I wish you the very best!
I know several people who keep finances separate, and it works well for them (as much as let on, anyway). I used to think it was strange, but now not so much.
I think the key word is “as much as let on, anyway.”
I thought the same thing about a number of our friends over the years. They all make plenty of money and they projected that they were doing very well. Come to find out, they are all having money problems…which is starting to create marriage issues as well.
I hope that people that choose to keep separate accounts succeed. I really do. I just haven’t seen very good outcomes…and those outcomes are really avoidable.
Awesome post. My parents have been nearly married for 35yrs, and have their finances combined. I dated someone once a few yrs ago, who wouldn’t budge on combining finances (something we talked about when in marriage), needless to say….I moved on…and I hope you’re not wondering why
Thanks Eddie!
I’d agree, if you can’t get together on the financial front, things probably aren’t going to work out well in the long run. Finances are so important to a relationship. It isn’t the most romantic thing in the world, but it has to be a topic where you can find common ground with your partner. If not, it is best to move on.
As a financial coach who is face to face with people struggling with money problems, I agree with you. Those who have separate accounts and a “her debt” and “his debt” mentality have more underlying issues that just money. Money is a reflection of our values…how we spend money just are the bubbles of what is happening under the surface.
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Thanks for the comment Brent! I couldn’t agree more.
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Great post! I couldn’t agree more. I have a couple friends who’s finances are kept separate, they each pay some of the bills, and they are constantly overdrawing their accounts. This is obviously due to other financial problems they have with spending too much, but I think it would help if they combined their accounts, at least they could only overdraw on ONE account instead of two.
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Come on, folks. Just because merging your finances works for you, it doesn’t mean that having separate finances can’t work for other people. Nor does it necessarily mean that marriages with separate finances are disasters waiting to happen. In fact, I see the opposite happening. I see couples with joint finances struggling because they are in a constant tug of war.
I have been with my husband for over ten years. We have a joint account and a credit card for the mortgage and other joint expenses, but the rest remains completely separate, and it works perfectly fine for us.
Forget what everyone says and make up the rules that work for you.
Actually, I don’t think that having seperate slush fund accounts is necessarily a bad thing. Yes, couples with joint finances need to learn to communicate about money. That is the point. Seperate finances means there is no communication, creating a much bigger chance of failure in either your personal life or your financial life. Frankly, completely seperate finances means no accountability to each other. Why get married in the first place?
Wow! Really? “you must have joint accounts or your marriage is doomed to fail?” Ha! Married 32 years to the love of my life and we have always kept seperate accounts. Know why” “cause we each want some independence from each other. And you know what? It works for us. Always has and always will.
Congratulations on your 32 years of marraige! I hope we are able to make it that long:)
I don’t think you are doomed to fail as a couple simply because you keep seperate finances. However, what I see over and over again is that couples who keep seperate finances tend to have poor communication about money. This usually leads to fights about money, arguments about who’s money is who’s, or a terrible plan for retirement. That is not to say that it won’t work. I just don’t see it work very often.
I think that that is awesome- but that you are in the minority. What’s important is that it works for you…and I would say that after 32 years it is definitely working!!!!! =)
My husband and I have been together 12 years and married for 6, we have two children. We have never combined our finances. Between the two of us I am the one with no debt and a paid off auto loan. I feel unworthy of his trust because he would not combine our incomes. We don’t own a house, I don’t even know how we are going to save money for a house. How does it work when I don’t even know how much he makes? Everyday I question if I should walk away from this.
I don’t blame you. That situation raises some serious red flags. How do you guys file your taxes???
It sounds to me like you need to have a good, serious sit-down and talk about your concerns. Not being on the same page financially can be toxic to a relationship.
Slow down there Mr. Romantic. I believe that I can love someone and keep their hands off my checkbook. A partnership does not mean I have to pay for things that I don’t want to. We split the bills according to the overall percentage of what each person makes and it works. We never fight about money and we don’t hold each other responsible for the other’s spending habits. With 50% of all marriages ending in divorce, why would you do it any other way?
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Ha! “Mr. Romantic”
I’m glad to hear that separate finances is working out for you. With that said, a lot of people who love each other fight about money. Furthermore, I don’t think I ever said that you had to combine finances in order to love your spouse. Even so, as I’m sure you know, there is more to making a marriage work than just love. I guess I’m old fashioned…if you are married it becomes “ours” and not “mine and yours.” When both partners aren’t committed to the financial well being of the unit, from what I’ve seen, resentment starts to build. Money is the number one cause of divorce. I’d venture to guess that many of those divorces are due to a lack of communication and accountability.
Besides, why wouldn’t you combine your finances? If it is because you “might” get a divorce, it sounds like you’re already looking for an easy way out…not you specifically…but in general. If you don’t want to make the commitment to completely combine your lives, including your financial lives, why get married? Why not just date exclusively?
Thanks for stopping by and I appreciate the comment!
This is all very interesting to me. Im married 5 years and we have never combined our finances. I guess i never thought i would ge married and when i did, i didnt exactly jump in with both feet. It took me two years to change my last name and I never felt comfortable relinquishing control of my bank accounts. My husband makes about 75% of our household income and he is VERY good at spending it. I however am extremley frugal and although we have no joint accounts, i do oversee our finances and have access to all accounts, credit card statements, etc. I might make a comment here and there about his spending when i go over our statements, but that is as far as it goes because I figure its his money and he can afford it so he can do what he wants.
We have no debt other than the morgage, and we each have plenty in savings and retirement accounts. We each have our own businesses and we do our own taxes which we file jointly. It is a nightmare of confusion every year, but once April 15th comes around its pretty much smooth sailing the rest of the year. I dont know if i agree or disagree with the article, but i would be very interested to hear what anyone has to say about my particular situation and any advice would also be appreciated.
Thanks for dropping by and commenting. I’m assuming that since you found this article you are at least considering that you should combine finances.
I guess, my question for you is are you both on the same page? Do you resent the other’s spending? Do you communicate about money? If you are feeling some strain due to finances, you may try and talk to him about your feelings/the situation. Also, you may both benefit from taking a money class together…something like Financial Peace University or an equivalent.
Again, thanks for stopping by. We hope to see you again soon!
It seems like ur damned if u do, ur damned if u don’t. As the major breadwinner for my family and my spouses spending out of control, I’m at my wits end. I have tried the calm communication route and its not working. My suggestion of separate bank accounts obviously caused problems because he doesn’t want my money to go away. But I’m not going to sit here why he spends thousands of dollars wastefully (pays for him and his friends to go to Whistler for the weekend – I didn’t go) while I’m at work. If I work and make a lot and you work a little and make a little then I think separate finances will keep your reaLity of money in check!
That sounds very frustrating! It sounds like you guys aren’t on the same page about money at all. =/
I definitely agree that sharing finances is a part of being married and united with your partner. I cohabitated with my husband for 4 years before we got married. All of our bills were split 50/50. There were times when he could meet his obligation because he spent his money on other things, and even when when met half way, there were things that I wanted to do, that he wasn’t able to financially capable of, like trips, movies, dining out. It was very frustrating and at times hopeless for our relationship. Still in love, we decided to marry. As soon as we did, I took over the finances. He was great about it, willing, and understanding that it was best for us and our marriage. 11 years later, we are in great financial shape, both with great credit scores. At the time we got married, he was surprised and upset that he was denied credit when purchasing furniture for our home. I was given the credit even though I.was unemployed at that time.
We have a joint account that both of our paychecks go into. The bills get paid, and we both get an equal allowance for spending. At Christmas time and tax return time, we get a bonus! We decide together how we spend our money on trips, dates, and other major expenses.
This has worked great for us. We have had heated discussions about some disputed purchases on non-neccesities, but the focus is always what’s best for the family. Love being married to a team player.
We have joint accounts as well obviously. It’s a great thing to come together and make decisions as a team. In the end, I think everyone is happier that way!
My fiance and I have kept separate finances for the duration of our co-habitation and throughout our engagement – approximately five years. We plan to maintain separate finances when we are married and divide all shared expenses – including the home we own together – equally in half. We are neither unwilling to grow up, nor are we over-spenders or unwilling to be held accountable for our spending habits – of which, we are quite similar and quite frugal.
I think you have missed a margin of couples for which this system actually works quite well. I think you also have missed a glaring reality. While unfortunate, many marriages end in divorce. And many couples have different spending habits, different credit backgrounds and different debt. Some might make more or less than their spouse and want to protest the assets they earned before getting married. I don’t see anything wrong with that; in fact, I think it is smart.
I don’t believe anyone goes into a marriage with the intent of getting divorced. But part of marriage is the merging of assets – it’s not all sunshine, rainbows and lollipops. It’s a contract. Each person entering that contract should feel comfortable and be fully educated and aware of their marriage rights.
Thanks for the comment Megan! I appreciate your thoughtful response.
I don’t deny that this works for some people, and I’m glad that it seems to be working for you. Also, I agree that marriage is a contract. While there is more to it than money, in the eyes of the law it is essentially a legal contract where two people combine their assets. I would love to hear your reasoning as to why you would enter into that contract and not actually combine those assets? Honestly, when people share the reason that it is “in order to protect their own assets,” it sounds like they are worried about a divorce at some point. If that is the case, shouldn’t people question whether they should be getting married in the first place?
Again, no disrespect intended at all. I would love to hear your thoughts.