Please enjoy this post from staff writer, Mitchell Pauly. Mitchell shares his hilarious wisdom about personal finance over at SnarkFinance.com.
Homemade gifts come from the heart, and the heart always trumps the wallet. That is what broke people tell themselves as they mix Elmer’s glue with tears while creating a collage of memories on a single wine glass they bought at Walmart for three dollars. Why do I need a collage of our greatest memories when we’re not going to be friends anymore? Riddle me that, Martha Stewart.
The fact is that the “thought” surrounding homemade gifts is that everyone else is judging you. This is what happens when you decide to major in Expressive Craft Arts and Interpretive Dance when you’re color blind and have the physical appeal and endurance of Larry King in the sack. Follow your heart, you free spirit you, but don’t expect other people to share your enthusiasm for organic macaroni pictures. Once or twice a year, you might have to divert some of your income to giving normal people actual happiness—just some gluten-heavy food for thought.
People who argue that homemade gifts are better usually fall back on two arguments:
There is a lot of time and expression put into a homemade gift. This is completely true; all time you could have been working a job making money to buy people gifts with actual use. Unless your homemade bath salts are going to make me want to chew your face off, I am perfectly fine washing myself with soap like a normal person. And, if you’re thinking of giving homemade soap as a gift, you better have a fight club and look like Brad Pitt. Seriously, Brad Pitt could wrap his day old underwear in a homeless man’s newspaper fort and I would cherish it and where it as a night-cap until the end of time. The only expression I want related to a homemade gift is Brad Pitt’s angelic smile.
Store-bought gifts are conventional. This poo-choo train of logic is inferring that because store bought gifts are conventional, so are people who want them. I’ll take my conventional car and house over an unconventional flat in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, shared with an inspirational non-judging comedy group made up of more races than a dog track with more sexual preferences than Little Richard. Here is the deal: being unconventional somewhere always makes you conventional somewhere else. And, I doubt your craft skills are on par with little Bengali boys with subtle, supple fingers working 13 hour shifts in a village where the only source of health care is the barrel end of a rusty .45.
It is my sincere hope that this article has convinced you that homemade gifts are the taint of generosity. Perhaps when the next birthday rolls around or, if nobody loves you, a Secret Santa event pops up at the office, you will remember that giving the gift of your bad decisions is another bad decision. So buck up, stretch that bag of weed out a bit longer, and buy someone something they actually want like the normal, patriotic American your father wishes you were.
 No homo, obviously.
 I have a lot of hipster jokes.
Ummmmmm…….so yeah. What are your thoughts on homemade gifts? Do you think that homemade gifts suck? Please share by commenting below.