Dr. Mr & Mrs. Siegel,

My favorite reader, Brian, recently informed me that you’re moving ahead with construction plans on your obscenely large house near Orlando.  Kudos to you for your perseverance through such difficult times.  You’ve obviously been through a lot and I’m glad to see that you’ll finally get to live in your lavish mansion after all.  While I am happy about your new circumstances, I do have a few questions about why you chose to have ten kitchens in your new home.

For instance, where do you keep your favorite rolling pin?  And, what do you do if you’re making grilled cheese and there are only Kraft singles in the kitchen you’re using?  Do you wander from kitchen to kitchen looking for the good deli cheese?  Or, do you just buy the expensive shit for all ten kitchens just in case you need it?

Are you really going to purchase ten sets of pots and pans?  Ten cutting boards?  Ten sets of silverware?  Ten sets of herbs and spices?  Furthermore, what are you going to do if you need to make eleven dinners at the same time WITH ONLY TEN KITCHENS?

Sorry about that, folks.  Give me a second to gain my composure.  I seem to get a little riled up any time I get an update on the Siegels and their ridiculous plans for the ugliest house in America.  If you watched the Queen of Versailles, you learned that the Siegels had to halt construction on the project.  Fortunately, Unfortunately, the couple’s misery was fairly short-lived.   According to a story from Yahoo, the dynamic duo is at it again…building a house so ridiculously large that they should probably be concerned about going to hell.  So, how big is it?  According to Yahoo, the house has 13 bedrooms, 23 bathrooms, 10 kitchens, two elevators, two movie theaters, a roller rink and a bowling alley.

Swingers Aren’t the Only Ones Who Need Thirteen Bedrooms

Although thirteen bedrooms is a lot, I can see needing that many under the right circumstances.  After all, they do have all kinds of offspring slothing about their giant home.  I could see them hosting parties full of guests and needing spare rooms to accommodate the extra bodies.  However, what are the chances of 23 people needing to pee at the same time?  And, two movie theatres?  Is that really necessary?  What about learning to compromise on a movie that everyone will like?

Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like the Siegels have compromised on much.  According The Queen of Versailles, the Siegel’s “dream home” grew to 90,000 square feet because they kept adding features and rooms that they wanted.  The bigger they dreamed, the bigger the house grew.  Vomit.  I honestly thought this house would never be finished due to the ridiculous sums of money needed to do so.  Unfortunately, I was wrong.   Even worse, we’re probably going to hear this wretched tale of excess for a long time since the house won’t be fully finished until 2015.

Would you want a 90,000 square foot abode?  I personally wouldn’t, and honestly, just reading about it stresses me out.  I can’t imagine how I could organize my belongings in a way that I could ever find anything again.  I also think that a 90,000 square foot home is for people who hate each other.  There, I said it. I would never want that much space between myself and the people I love.

So, what do you guys think?