GiftsSigh.  Is it too early to complain about Christmas yet?  Oh, it is?  Well, stop reading then.  Well, I’ll try to make it brief.  You see, I love Christmas but I hate the part about buying gifts, mainly because I am the world’s worst gift-giver.  I am such a bad gift giver, in fact, that I’ve resorted to giving money in lieu of presents for the most part.  This change came a few years ago after I decided that I had seen a look of disappointment on far too many faces each Christmas season.  What can I say?  I suck at buying gifts.  But, everyone likes money, right?  Even the toddlers in my family light up with glee when opening a card and finding a crisp $20 bill.  My kids freakin’ love money, even though they’re only 2 and 4.  And since they have no idea what individual bills and coins are worth, I can currently pay my daughter fourteen cents to clean her room and convince her that it’s one hell of a dealAhhh……the joys of being a parent.

Speaking of Santa, I’ve he’s been hard at work buying toys that will surely fall apart within a timeframe of 6-18 months.  So far, Santa has gotten my kids a doctor kit, a hairdresser kit, some sort of bowling game to replace the piece of shit Dora the Explorer bowling game that broke after only working for a few months, and some Barbies.  Oh, and Santa also got them some art supplies, some clothes, and some play food.  He also got my two-year-old a talking Dora doll that says really annoying things like “We did it!” and “Swiper, no swipie!”  I SERIOUSLY CANNOT WAIT.

Speaking of awful gifts for toddlers, there are plenty.  When I was out shopping, I saw some seriously weird toys for kids, ranging from inappropriate to bizarre. With that being said, here are 5 ridiculous gifts I won’t be getting my kids:

cleaning trolleyKid’s Cleaning Trolley- I laugh out loud every time I see this thing.  Can it possibly be for realz?  I mean, I’m all about paying my daughter 14 cents to clean her room, but I would never buy her a cleaning trolley of her own.  In my opinion, nothing says “I want you to be a janitor when you grow up,” like buying your toddler their own cleaning trolley complete with a mop bucket, dust pan, and vacuum.  Sadly, my four-year-old would probably love it.

My Baby Alive doll- Have you heard about this doll? baby alive doll Apparently it eats, drinks, and poops.  And, do you know who would be cleaning that shit up?  Me.  My two-year-old is still in diapers and we only have room for new dolls/toys/pets that can toilet themselves from now on.  Sorry, kids.  No dolls that poop.

kids tattoosFake Tattoos- Which one of my family members keeps getting my kids fake tattoos?  Right now my four-year-old has four haphazardly-applied Disney princess tattoos on her leg.  I can already see her disgruntled teenage years approaching right in front of my eyes.  I know I’ll have plenty of time to talk my kids out of doing ridiculous things, like getting a tattoo, when they grow up.  But for now, they’re so young.  Can’t they just be tattoo-free, if only for a while?

Bratz Dolls- Why would anyone get abratz dolls four-year-old a doll that is dressed like a sorority girl on Halloween?  I mean, whatever happened to plain ol’ Barbies without the hooker makeup and bootie shorts?  I’m sorry, but dolls shouldn’t be sexy.  And if anyone ever buys one of my kids a Bratz doll, I will promptly throw it away.

McDonald’s Play Food- AS IF my daughter isn’tmcdonaldsset already obsessed with McDonald’s enough.  My kids actually love play food.  But, you know, we’re sticking to regular ol’ food at our house, like little plastic carrots, potatoes, and cartons of milk.  The last thing we need is a plastic version of the grossest food on the planet, and something I want my kids to eat less of, McDonald’s.  Sorry, McDonald’s.  I may have to drive by you every day but there’s no way in hell you’re coming in my house.  Capiche?

What awful toys have you seen at the stores?  Are there any toys that you refuse to buy for kids?