Clearly, I’ve been watching too much “Uncle Grandpa.” Please note that the story is mine, however the character of Pizza Steve, his likeness, and image was created by Pete Browngardt. I assume the character is owned by Mr. Browngardt and Cartoon Network. Here is my tribute. Enjoy! (If you need a little background info, please reference the embedded video near the end of the piece.)
Annnnd Now, A “Slice of Finance” with PIZZA STEVE!
Sup brah?!? So, check this out! Just last week I was over in Greece at an Italian Karate tournament, bustin’ up boards and totally destroying the competition like I always do. After mopping the floor with a few namby-pambies, I was minding my own awesomeness – just gettin’ my relax on in the hotel hot tub if you know what I mean. That’s when it happened! The pool room door flew open, and there stood the biggest, harriest, most disgusting beast I’ve ever seen: Dr. Debt.
I was like, “Yo, Debt! Relax dude! Can’t you see we’re busy chillin’ in here.” All I got in return was an onion-scented grunt followed by a gigantic roar. So, I said to the ladies, “Stay beautiful girls. Pizza Steve will handle this.” I hopped out of the hot tub, did two Asian-infused barrel rolls to dry myself off, and proceeded to dispatch of the beast using my mad karate skilllllllz. Ladies love a man who knows karate.
So brah, get this! I took my stance, spit out some dope Italian rhymes, and began my assault with a gnarly spinning backhanded judo chop. To my surprise, Dr. Debt was more than agile. He side-stepped my sweet chop, growled and returned fire with his opening move – a Zero-Percent-Down Side Kick that caught me square on the jaw. I stumbled backwards, taking a second to clear my head. This monster was going to be more of a challenge than I realized.
After being stung with a High-Interest Rate Roundhouse followed by a Low-Payment Leg Sweep, I have to admit I was impressed with Dr. Debt’s dexterity. This guy had all kinds of moves. But, black belts in Italian Karate never get worried. We just get even.
Dr. Debt was standing over the top of me, smiling wickedly as he stroked his muscular green tentacles. Yeah, it would have intimidated lesser warriors, but not me. “You’re my prisoner now,” he snorted, sure that he had me on the ropes.
Just then, I stood up like the champion I am and slowly brushed myself off. “You talkin’ to me?” I said, cocking my head like I saw ninja master Bruce Jenner do in that one movie. “Don’t you know? I’m PIZZA STEVE!”
Dr. Debt shot a puzzled gaze my way, allowing me to take the offensive with a rad Spending Freeze Shoulder Lock. Debt totally used a dishonorable Payday Poke to my eyes in order to break my iron grip. Then, limped off into the dark Athenian night, hoping to prepare a sneak attack. Luckily, I had my Expense Tracking night vision goggles on, so that ugly octopus wasn’t getting away from me.
When he realized I had followed him, Debt wheeled around and said, “Take that Pizza Man,” throwing a fist full of ninja stars at my face. I quickly realized that they were high-interest credit cards and turned them aside with a few awesome Expense Cutting Scissors Kicks.
“Psh. I’m too smart for that,” I said, cause you know I’m like a modern-day Thomas Einstein except a brazillion times better.
Overcome by fear, my opponent cowered in the corner next to a marble statue of the Eiffel Tower. I decided to switch tactics and use the famous Snowball Ninjitsu Method to finish him off. I started the combo with a Zero-Sum Budget Bone Breaker followed by an Freaky-Focused Debt Destroyer Plan…which I totally landed right on the jaw, BTW. The beast staggered and fell to the ground, throwing his hands up to concede defeat. Just for good measure, I landed a sick Extra Payment Knee Drop right to the chest and smote his ruin upon the mountainside.
You better believe I stood over my conquest, flashed a million-dollar smile to the ladies, and asked, “Wanna join me?”…because that’s how I roll.
Sorry you missed it bro…More chicks for me!
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