How to Survive a Divorce: A Firsthand Account

How to Survive a Divorce - picture of woman's hand giving wedding ring back to outstretched man's hand

This article may contain references to some of our advertising partners. Should you click on these links, we may be compensated. For more about our advertising policies, read our full disclosure statement here.

Please enjoy this post from my brother, Brian Porter.  Brian is a father of six kids and works in insurance subrogation.  After his wife asked for a divorce earlier this year, Brian began the long journey of rebuilding his life and finding a new “normal.” 
Divorce sucks.  I know because I’m going through it right now.
Divorce is an incredibly painful event for both parties and there are times when you just don’t want to deal with the financial aspect of it.  Sometimes it’s just easier to “give up” and deal with the consequences when you’re in a better emotional place.  However, it’s the wrong thing to do.  The good news is that you do not have to be let your financial house burn down while going through a divorce.  The following tips can help you survive a divorce with your finances intact.

Housing

Usually, divorce displaces one or both spouses from their home.  In my situation, we agreed to sell our house as it was just too much for one of us to maintain, even with spousal support.
If you are displaced, consider the following:
  • Consider your support system- While it can really suck to move back home with your parents, a sibling, or a friend, put your pride aside and consider your financial position.  Going through a divorce isn’t cheap and finding an inexpensive or free place to stay temporarily can help ease the burden.  Staying with someone can also provide much needed emotional support while you’re going through the worst of your ordeal.
  • Price shop for a realtor- If you have to sell your house, make sure to compare pricing for the best combination deal of realtor / percentage of commission, while also keeping in mind that you sometimes get what you pay for.  I got lucky;  My realtor agreed to list my house for 5%, instead of the customary 7%.  You might think that 2% isn’t a big deal, but it can be a ton of cash depending on the price of your home.  For example, my house sold the day after I listed it for 99.4% of the asking price ($280,500).   So, shaving off 1% saved me $ 2,805.   Hell, even 0.5% is $ 1,402.50.  Furthermore, if are in a negative equity position or right on the borderline, 0.5% could be the difference walking away with cash in hand or showing up with a check.

Child Support and Assets

Negotiating terms such as child support payments and the division of assets can be incredibly trying, but it’s important to try to disassociate your emotions with your physical possessions.  Since most things are negotiable, it’s in your best interest to attempt to find out the thing(s) your soon-to-be-ex-spouse is emotionally vested in and use those to your advantage while being amicable.  A few other tips:
  • Take and sell anything your soon-to-be-ex-spouse definitely doesn’t want- even if you don’t want it.  Even smaller things have value and you can resell on them on Craigslist or Ebay for a profit.  You can also ask your family members and friends to help if needed.
  • Be willing to part with certain possessions just to sweeten the deal.  Think in terms of the big picture – sometimes you have to lose a battle to win the war.
  • In most states and counties, everything is negotiable when it comes to child support.  And it’s not just money, it’s time with your children.  However, you can negotiate a lower child support by negotiating more time with your children (i.e. overnights), allowing your soon-to-be-ex-spouse to take more tax exemptions, variable payment methods if you work on commission or on a bonus structure (i.e. you may negotiate paying a lower weekly payment but agree on one-time lump sum payments yearly around time of your yearly bonus with work, tax-time, etc.)  Be creative and try to think outside the box.

Divorce Mediation

Divorce mediation is a great way to work out your differences and reach a reasonable agreement in regards to all of the issues outlined above.  In divorce mediation, you hire an impartial mediator or lawyer to sit down with you and broker an agreement.  Not only is divorce mediation a less expensive way to proceed with your divorce, but it also helps you determine where you might have common ground, and where you’re struggling.  In the case of my divorce, we were able to work everything out through a mediator and save a ton of money that can now be saved or spent elsewhere.

Divorce is terrible for everyone involved, but life does go on.  And although divorce isn’t cheap, you don’t have to let it ruin you either.  Just try to keep your head in the game and pinch every penny you can.  You’re going to need them.

Have you ever gone through a divorce or known someone who has?  What tips would you add to this list?

Similar Posts

Disclaimer: Comments, responses, and other user-generated content is not provided or commissioned by this site or our advertisers. Responses have not been reviewed, approved or otherwise endorsed by this website or our advertisers. It is not the responsibility of our advertisers or this website to ensure that all comments and/or questions are answered. Club Thrifty has partnered with CardRatings for our coverage of credit card products. Club Thrifty and CardRatings may receive a commission from card issuers.

41 Comments

  1. Sorry to hear about this. Man that sounds like it sucks bad. A lot of stuff we have we take for granted while we’re married. It takes reading something like this sometimes to realize everything we stand to lose.

  2. I’m sorry to hear about your divorce. I like your advice to take and sell anything that your ex-spouse does not want- even if you don’t want it either, you can still make some money off it!

  3. Sorry to hear about the divorce. I think divorce is usually a no-win situation – so I think the key is minimizing damage both emotionally and financially.

  4. I have a friend who went through a divorce a couple years ago who is now happily engaged to a great girl. The divorce went “okay.” There was no major disputes about assets and it all went smoothly. He went to a support group and really invested in friends during the divorce and afterwards.

    1. Yep D.C.- Life goes on and we all move on eventually. That is the one good thing about divorce; it’s a new start.

  5. Sorry to hear Brian. I can’t imagine what child support for six sounds like. My sister went through a divorce recently and had to go back to living with my mum for a few months, I could never do it so I have enough money saved to avoid that if things go bad.

    1. Child support for six is a lot! Fortunately, it will go down as the kids grow up and eventually be zero.

  6. 10 years out I am finally on my way to digging out of the divorce hole. I had to pay to retrain myself to earn a higher wage to support myself and my sons and that when on my HELOC with the legal fees and many living expenses while I was working full time for a lowsih wage.

    Many friends dumped me immediately. A newly single woman must be considered a threat and I was avoided like the plague.

    1. Really? That’s awful. Do you think that your friends feel like they had to choose between you and your ex?

      1. A few where he had been the man’s friend and I was only casually friendly with the wife picked him and I didn’t care but I was shut out of any evening gatherings where couples gather and was relegated to lunches with the wives alone when the husbands were not present.

        One couple dumped us both because the husband felt that we would be encouraging the single life and that divorce was a communicable disease.

  7. So sorry to hear Brian. My parents got divorced when I was 15 and unfortunately it was a fairly messy one. I think anyway that you can mitigate that and find some sort of level that things can be worked out on is great. It’s already, generally speaking, going to be a very painful experience and there’s no need to make it worse.

  8. I agree with your points. When I got divorced in 2012 I temporarily moved in with my Dad. It was hell for awhile. I shared a bedroom with my two kids for around 5-6 months. We all slept in one bed together and after moving in to my own place it took me forever to get them to sleep by themselves again.

    My exhusband and I are on good terms. We did split custody at the kids (which sucks but I felt was the right thing to do for them) I’d say I’m just now getting to the point where life feels normal again. It definitely takes some time but you’ll get there.

  9. I’m so sorry you are going through this. It can’t be easy, emotionally, financially or otherwise. My mom and dad got divorced when I was fairly young and because we were still just kids, my dad walked away from the house and almost all of the belongings (car, furniture, etc) to ensure that we had stability. I am sure that was really difficult for him!

  10. I had a friend that went through a divorce and keeping his emotions out of the picture is what helped him the most when going through the process. This is to say that you shouldn’t feel the pain or anything associated with the divorce, but you should try to keep your emotions out of the picture when deciding on who gets what and how much is paid for child support. He knew that as much as it sucked for him, his kids were going to take it worse. So he made decisions for their best interest and stayed positive for them.

  11. Sorry to hear you are dealing with this Brian. What a tough situation, especially for the kids. My wife has dealt with the emotion of her parent’s divorce her whole life. As a child she simply didn’t understand why they would separate. To her parent’s credit, after the divorce they never talked negatively about the other spouse in front of her, even though there still was animosity.

  12. I think taking the emotion out must be the hardest part. It sounds like you’re making the best of a bad situation. Best of luck.

  13. Sorry to hear about the divorce. Not only is it tough emotionally, it also tough financially. I agree that mediation is a good choice if possible to limit legal costs. And hopefully you guys can still have a amicable relationship since there are kids involved. Wish you well.

  14. So sorry to hear about the divorce. I think because it’s so common today, it’s really easy to overlook just how difficult it is for the people directly involved, both emotionally and financially.

  15. Sorry to hear about your divorce. My sister went through a nasty one a few years ago and it didn’t end well for either party. They both were trying to take it all from each other, that they both just cannibalized everything. It certainly wasn’t amicable.

  16. I’m sorry to hear about your divorce. I’ve never been through one myself as I’ve never been married, but I’m the child of divorce, and kids can sense EVERYTHING going on around them. I’m sure you’re doing this, and hopefully your ex is too, but never, ever say anything bad about them in front of the kids. I know a girl from college who blasted her ex on FB and that came back to haunt her, and made her look bad too. I wish you the best of luck!

  17. That’s definitely not a fun personal finance topic to write about, but important nonetheless since divorce is a very common occurrence. I’m sure many people will find your advice helpful. Remember, “time heals all wounds.” It’s cheesy but true.

  18. Brian, so sorry to hear about this.
    Holly, first a post about joint/separate finances, now divorce…can you give us some more upbeat topics…please?

  19. This is a fresh reminder why a prenuptial agreement may be a good vehicle to consider before getting married. Unfortunately, this is the way it is. Touching story and hopefully writing about the divorce was helpful for him and helped many others think about their relationships and how they relate to money.

  20. I’m so sorry that your brother is going through this! I’ve never been divorced myself but have seen several in my family. They can go smoothly, or be a nightmare. I think housing is one of the real sticky bits, especially if the divorce leaves the home with one of the spouses. Often the mortgage isn’t refinanced into that spouse’s name only, and the court only re-deeds the property. No bueno.

  21. I’m sorry you’re going through this Brian. My parents divorced when I was young and it was definitely hard on me and my younger sisters. And my parents too. I’m glad that you and your soon-to-be ex-wife are resolving things as amicably as possible. Working as a financial advisor, I have seen divorces get very nasty and it hurts both parties. Good luck.

  22. Another tip is to ensure that you understand taxes when you divide up assets (assuming there are assets and not just liabilities):

    -Much of the gain in a house will be tax free with the rest taxed as capital gain
    -401k/traditional IRA will be taxed as ordinary income when it comes out and there are extra costs to get out early
    -Roth IRAs are tax free
    -Gains on stocks/mutual funds are taxed as capital gain

  23. I have never gone through a divorce (other than my parents, but I was two when that happens) although there are days my hubby ticks me off enough to briefly contemplate it, but you bring up great points. It is hard enough to have to go through the emotional turmoil of a divorce, but it is worse to get into financial distress over it as well.

  24. Any breakup (personal or business) is difficult! If you can handle it objectively, you are miles ahead. I think it is rare when these situations are amicable.

  25. I have not been divorced, but my parents were. I have seen too many people go through it, and it is financially devastating. It is hard on the kids. It is great for lawyers.

    Do yourself a favor, get a prenup.

  26. Good tips here that I hope I’ll never have to use. As you said, divorce is not only emotionally damaging, but also financially damaging. My parents are divorced and fortunately they were able to remain on speaking terms. But the divorce really hurt both of them financially. It took my mom (single working mom) years to get back on her feet financially post-divorce.

  27. Sorry to hear about your divorce. With the emotions and heartbreak I can only imagine that dealing with finances would be the last thing you would want to or have energy to think about.

  28. Great things to consider. I’m sorry you have to go through this, but can lead by example for others in a tough situation!

  29. So sorry to hear about the tough times you’re going through, Brian. As I child of divorced parents, my number one tip is to always speak kindly about your ex, even if they don’t/they are a huge jerk. That, and love extra on your kids – kids tend to take responsibility for divorces and feel major league rejection no matter what, so making sure they know, both with words and with actions, how very much they are loved, and that you still respect and care for their other parent, go a long, long way in easing the pain kids go through during a divorce. Very best of luck to you.

  30. That’s rough man, I’m sorry to hear it. I’m actually going through a domestic relations class, and a lot of the things you mentioned catch some people by surprise. No one ever gets married with the intention of getting divorced, but honestly I think the main thing is to focus on the big picture. Hope things getter better for you soon man.

  31. Sorry to hear about the divorce. Hope you’ll be able to patch things up the soonest.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.