Hey kids. Uncle Greg here. Today, I want to go ahead and squash all those silly fun-loving dreams you have. I’m tired of all this Spring Break tomfoolery. I am sick of all of this YOLO nonsense. We’ve gone soft here girls. All of us. Excitement does not fun make. It is my job to remind all of you Ray-Ban wearing, high-rolling ninnies that the party can’t last forever. We need to get you back – back on the road to being a stingy badass!
“But Uncle Greg, how can we possibly have fun if we aren’t bingeing on vacations and purging our hard-earned dollars?” Easy. There is no fun like the enjoyment you get from saving money.
The time is now to put aside our highfalutin, budget busting, alcohol induced financial haze so that we can REALLY have a great time. Let’s get back to our roots here people. That is why I did you a favor and came up with “Uncle Greg’s Tightwad Money Saving Tips” to put a smile on your face – and a positive number back in your bank account!
Do Your Own Taxes
Guess what, Junior. April 15th is less than two weeks away. Here in the good ‘ol U.S. of A., that means it is time to pay your dues. Yep, it is income tax time. I know that your hard-partying March may have led you to forget that little nugget, but you can bet your bottom that the I.R.S. didn’t. If you played it smart like your Uncle Greg, you would have gotten your taxes done about two months ago. And, like the tightwad stingy badass that I am, I did them myself.
“Hold up there, Uncle Greg. My taxes are just too difficult for me to do them on my own.” Awww phooey! That’s a bunch of horse manure. I’ve got rental properties, a LLC, and investment income, and I can still do my own taxes. In fact, programs like H&R Block at Home make it super easy for you. So stop being such a Sally and get on it, you wuss.
Use the Library
Back in my day, we had these buildings that had a bunch of books in them. Yep, an actual, stand alone building with real books – not these “electronic” jobbies they got these days. We called them libraries. As time went on, these libraries even started carrying VCR tapes that had the latest motion pictures on them. They were swell!
These days, companies have made it easy for you to spend your money from home. Heck, I even get swept up in this furor every once in a while. Why pedal your two-seater all the way to the library when you can just buy the book on your Kindle? Why go and find a movie when you can just stream it to your television set for a few bucks?
Why? I’ll tell you why. Because it is FREE, you numbskull! Look, I enjoy my dime novels and talkies just as much as the next guy, but I could spend hundreds of dollars (or more) a year if I bought every movie and book I had an interest in. Using your
tightwad library card is a great way to keep your expenses down while enjoying the written word or the cinematic arts. Huzzah!
Cut the Cord to Cable
So, you decided to treat yourself, huh? Maybe this intellectual fog drifted in because you got overly excited about spring. Maybe it was the long and boring winter that dulled your financial sensibilities. Regardless, you went ahead and signed up for that nifty little cable television package…or maybe it was the satellite package. Worse yet, you opted for the one with 377 channels even though you’ll only watch 5 of them. I mean, 377 channels?!? Come on. Who do you think you are, the King of Siam? I don’t care that you missed The Real Housewives of Butte. You’re a tightwad too. You should know better.
The internet has made it really easy to find all of your favorite shows whenever you want. Personally, we like using a Roku box. It forces us to make a conscious choice about what we are watching, instead of just mindless staring at a TV screen and flipping channels. Not only do we watch higher quality shows, but we have so much more free time now that we aren’t glued to the boob tube. Best of all, we are saving oodles of money. Now THAT is my idea of fun!
Cut the Cord to Your Phone(s)
Hey, Steven Spielberg. I know you think that you’re important and all that, but do you really need 3 cell phones AND a land line? One for browsing, one for texting…blah, blah, blah. Trust me. You’re not that important. One cell phone should do. Modern humans have existed for about 200,000 years, and we got along fine without cell phones for – oh – about 199,990 of those. (Make that 6,000 if you think you know better than science.) I think cutting back to one cell phone and a land line will be OK. In fact, if you have a cell phone, you may not even need a land line anymore. Stash that cash and save up for your next (ugh) vacation.
Use Credit Card Rewards to Travel
OK. OK. So, I can’t get you to believe traveling is boring. Fine. Since you are determined to bore yourself in Europe or the Caribbean, at least use some tightwad tricks to get you there cheaply. If you are a certified stingy badass, go ahead and churn credit cards for rewards points. (We’ve got a few to choose from here.) Be forewarned, though: this is not for the faint of heart or the newly recovering spending addict. The only way you can get ahead with these points is to A) only buy things that you would normally buy and B) payoff your balances EVERY month. If you do that you can build up points for all kinds of goodies – like flights, hotels, and cash – making credit card rewards a great way for tightwads like us to travel.
There you have it. Uncle Greg has laid out some solid time tested, frugally minded, tightwad ways for you to enjoy yourself. Now get to it…and I don’t want to hear any of you Nancies bellyaching in the comments below!