Parenting is brings a person joy like nothing else can...until your little bastard won't go the fuck to sleep. Here are some tips to drown out the noise.Ah, parenthood! You have heard it before, but it is true; there is nothing in life quite as wonderful as becoming a parent. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve always loved my wife. Still, the love of a parent is a different type all together. It is unfailing, unconditional, and it is a love that I never understood existed until I became a parent myself.

Seeing your child for the first time is incomparable to any other experience that a person can have. Watching your little bundle of joy grow fills you with a sense of love and pride like no other. Yes, I believe that being a parent truly brings more happiness to your life than any other experience possibly could. It fills your soul with more love than you can possibly imagine….Most of the time…

Other times, being a parent makes you want to tear your freaking hair out! It makes you wonder which head you were thinking with when you decided to bring those little monsters into the world. Listening to your 3-year-old talk for 90 minutes without taking a breath can really test your sanity. You might give yourself a pat on the back for only having a minor breakdown after your 1-year-old’s hour-long scream fest. And, as any parent will attest, you nearly go bonkers after a hard day’s work when all you want is a little peace and quiet…yet your precious gremlin refuses to go to sleep.

God, it suuuuuccccckkkkks!

However, possibly the worst thing that parents have to deal with is getting woken up in the middle of the night by those bloodsucking little energy vampires. I’m not talking about getting woken up by an infant either. That is tough, but you get over that because they need to eat. I’m talking about getting woken up by a preschooler. Every. Single. Night. For 2 months!!! For a glass of water…or because she misses you…or because her blankets aren’t right…or because you set the temperature at 69 instead of 70…Honestly, you just want to scream, “GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP!” When you actually refrain from doing that, you feel a huge sense of accomplishment. You are a true champion of parenthood! You feel like you have won the day!

Lately, I’ve been losing.

We don’t know why, but our 3-year-old has decided that it is fun to wake us up around 2-3 A.M. for about 35 of the last 40 nights. We’ve tried to figure out what is waking her. We’ve tried discipline. We’ve taken away privileges. We’ve tried positive reinforcement. We’ve tried ignoring it. We’ve tried it all. I think the only thing left is to just give in and try to sleep through it.  Unfortunately, the screaming is happening right outside our door, so sleeping hasn’t been a very realistic option.

If you are in the same boat we are, here are some cheap tips to help you sleep through the night:

Sound Spas

Sound spas are these cool things that are basically noise makers. We have one in our bedroom and our little rascals each have one in theirs. In theory, they are a good tool to keep the kids from getting distracted or woken by any outside noises when they are supposed to be sleeping. We use ours because we like having just a little bit of ambient noise in the room when we fall asleep.

Sound spas also work great when you are trying to ignore the screaming little bastards in the middle of the night. Don’t want to listen to a crying 2-year-old? Just pump up the volume on the “rainforest” setting. Tired of listening to your 3-year-old sing “Pop Goes the Weasel”…at 4 A.M.? Crank up the sound spa’s “waterfall” feature. These can be a lifesaver when you are trying to get some badly needed sleep.

Ear Plugs

You’ve all seen these little foam ear plugs, right? They can be a great tool to help take the edge of any young demon’s scream. Just smash the little foam pieces with your fingers, stick them in your ears, and wallah! You have instantly decreased the screaming volume by 15-30 decibels! As a special bonus, should your power go out, you may be able to use the ear plugs later as candles. Now, that is being a resourceful frugalnista!

The only drawback to ear plugs is that they are not foolproof. They do not completely shut out the noise. They only decrease it. So, if you are within close range of the infernal wailing, like in a car for instance, the ear plugs may only dull the sound. Instead of a piercing shrill scream, you now have a dull echoing scream…but a scream nonetheless. I can tell you from experience that you may want to find a more substantial product if you are looking to drown out the screaming during – say – a 14-hour car ride.

Protective Ear Muffs

You’ve all seen those fancy looking headphone thingys that people use when they are shooting guns or near a jet engine. Those are protective ear muffs. Like ear plugs, protective ear muffs only reduce your personal hell by about 15-30 decibels. However, you can use these protective ear muffs in combination with the ear plugs to further eliminate noise.

Of course, sleeping with these contraptions around your head may take some getting used to. Try it for a while, and let me know what you think. (You didn’t think I was going to try this first, did you?!?)

Getting a your beauty sleep is important for anybody. This is especially true for parents. It takes a lot of energy to keep yourself from losing your damn mind during a 4-hour marathon of Dora the Explorer. The least your little brats could do is go the fuck to sleep. When they don’t, I hope these tips will help you to find a little peace and quiet for yourself.

What are your tips for getting your kids to shut up at night? Are you completely disturbed by this tongue in cheek post? Have you seen the video that I posted below (the book starts at 0:50)? Leave us your comments below…and don’t forget to subscribe to our feed before you go!