I awoke this morning to 100 new emails, which is pretty typical for a weekday. Unfortunately, about half of them weren’t actually addressed to me. Another handful made absolutely no sense. I even got this one today:
Riverside Grill has become 15922574 our favorite local breakfast restaurant (we have not had the pleasure of dining here for lunch or dinner yet, 15922574 but it’s on our to-do list). The restaurant is pretty small, 15922574 so there is a possibility that there will occasionally be a 15-20 minute wait. Let me tell you though??? 15922574 it’s worth the wait!
Their breakfast 15922574 is not your ordinary diner food, not your typical eggs 15922574 and bacon type of breakfast. Don’t get me wrong, 15922574 they do serve all of the breakfast staples, however, 15922574 they also serve unique breakfasts, such as: the Oaxaca Burrito, which is cactus scrambled in eggs with beans, tomato, cilantro, onion, cotija cheese 15922574 & avocado; homemade salsa or pico de gallo; 15922574 and Marbelous Sunrise, which is saut??ed spinach, portabella mushrooms, corn & zucchini, side of egg whites, avocado & tomato with salsa, 15922574 whole wheat artisan bread or corn tortillas. Also, they grill their sourdough bread instead of toasting, 15922574 which is flavorful and has the perfect mixture of crunch and chewy. Their food is flavorful and satisfying; 15922574 you won’t leave here hungry.
I have no idea what that means, but it left me with a craving for Mexican like you wouldn’t believe. Thanks a lot, assholes! Truth be told, I’m frustrated. Every single day, I take time out of my day to unsubscribe to each and every one of these stupid emails. And every single morning, they’re back.
Giving the Gift of Spam
But, do you want to hear something amazing? I have been randomly selected for my own sizzling-hot Russian bride. I noticed that this morning when I was busy unsubscribing. My first thought was, “Can she cook?” If so, I might just consider it. Oh, and I have won at least 25 Amazon gift cards this week. All I need to do is fill out a form with all of my personal information, including my social security number, to claim them. I’m one lucky girl.
Unfortunately, Doctor Oz must think I have awful skin because he emails me about it all fucking day long. I really wish he would stop because it makes me feel like shit. Between that and the constant emails about losing belly fat, my self-esteem has been severely compromised. But at least I have the option to refinance my home at 1.5%. Oh, and I totally won 10 free replacement windows from Home Depot. That makes me feel better. And if I’m still feeling down on myself, I now know where I can get Vicodin for $1.90 each. So there’s that.
I Hate Spam
I don’t understand why any company thinks emailing me twenty times a day is going to somehow seal the deal. I mean, has harassing your customers ever worked? Come on. Oh, and I admittedly go bat-shit crazy when a spam email makes it way 4 pages deep into my email account. Has that ever happened to you? You know what’s on my mind while I’m looking for one of those guys? Murder.
There is no point to this blog post, except that I plan to email it back to every person who sends me spam email from this point forward. I also want to hear about your favorite (or worst) spam email moment. Please share in the comments!